Dad Freaks Out Over Second Store Shutdown In A Row

OFF THE GRID, USA — After this small town's lone grocery store shuttered its doors for good due to failing profits amid its second COVID-related shutdown in two years, local father Dawson Mohawk went completely berserk.

"Are we living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape?" asked Dawson as he smashed a bottle of soda and hurled it at the now-closed store's entryway. "What's the world coming to when TWO grocery stores have closed in just TWO years? DYER STRAITS! THIS HAS GOT TO BE A WARNING SIGN, PEOPLE! WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!"

Dawson then proceeded to pilfer a can of chili from one of the store's otherworldly giant vending machines, which had been mysteriously left behind by whatever terrifying entity destroyed the Earth. "THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE CHILI, BUT IT'S SHILLF CILI! WHAT THE HECK IS SHILLF CILI? ARE WE IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE?"

To cap off his unparalleled outburst, Dawson threw a rock through the window of the diner next door, which has been mostly empty since that horrible 9/11 incident a year and a half ago.

At publishing time, the dad had calmed down and returned home to the safety of his underground bunker, where his family has been weathering the calamity that has turned civilization into what can only be described as The Road Meets The Hunger Games.