Web Developer Lets Out Heavy Sigh, Creates 146th 'Startup' Profile On LinkedIn

NEW YORK, NY — Pausing briefly with a heavy sigh, local web developer Henry Marcus once again began the tedious process of creating yet another LinkedIn startup profile, this time for the blockchain-powered online hat shop, Brandstraw.

"Man, a great hat shop powered by blockchain," Henry muttered to himself before letting out a sigh monumental enough to deter a flock of migrating geese mid-flight. "People are going to love it."

Brandstraw, which aims to revolutionize hat shopping by utilizing the immutable power of blockchain verification for every hat purchased, has already netted $8 million through three seed rounds and spawned twelve copycat companies. "This blockchain hat store is going to change all our lives," said Henry, reflecting on the surface of the empty bourbon glass he had filled and refilled four times to quell the gnawing rage consuming his soul.

"We've got so many wonderful bullet points and trifold graphs to share with potential investors today," he added, already designing investment portfolios for the day when Brandstraw acquires MyLinkedIn—the online platform where everyone aged 55 and under goes to skydive headfirst into the wittiest discussions among the nation's savviest folks.

At publishing time, Henry had finished the Brandstraw profile and was off to his next ambitious project: explaining how, through the power of science and super-silicon chips, his company GambleSmart plans to transform an entire truck and minivan's worth of used fax machines and broken computers into self-mowing Bermuda grass. It’s a bold new frontier for landscaping—if only the grass could pay in cryptocurrency.