Scientists Develop Eco-Friendly Nuclear Bomb

GENEVA—Scientists at CERN have reportedly created the world’s first eco-friendly nuclear bomb, capable of vaporizing up to 20 million people in a single blast—all without a single drop of fossil fuels.

"We've been pushing the boundaries of greener military arms for some time, and we're thrilled to announce this groundbreaking milestone," said lead engineer Dr. Jean Lecoultre. "You can rest easy knowing that when this device devastates cities, it does so without sacrificing an ounce of clean energy!"

In a surprising twist, the Swiss military has ordered ten units of this new nuclear marvel. "Initially, we were a bit worried about adding to our arsenal of weapons of mass destruction," admitted General Jean Lecoultre, who also happens to oversee Switzerland’s military. "But that hesitation evaporated once we realized we could obliterate cultures while keeping Mother Earth intact!"

Environmentalists have hailed the innovative bomb as a sign of a greener future, with U.N. Secretary António Guterres leading the charge. "Horrific! Wait, what was it? Oh, clean bombs? Well then, hooray! The future of large-scale annihilation has never looked so eco-friendly!"

At publishing time, the research team also announced plans for an eco-friendly electric cattle prod, specifically designed for interrogations in the latest model of communist torture prisons.