Apple Introduces New iPHONE 16 — A Smartphone That Doesn’t STEAL Your Data

CUPERTINO, CA — Come and take it, Google. Apple has announced its new iPHONE 16 — an iPhone that doesn't steal your data.

Since its inception, the iPhone has towed the fine line between stealing data, but not stealing too much data and being completely obvious with its total invasion of privacy.

The iPHONE 16 has found a way to boldly make data theft an afterthought. "The iPHONE 16 is a phone for professionals lounging by the pool who casually sip on a vodka and soda, thinking it would be a cool thing to call that delightful drink a 'vodka soda' at the free bar at the Hyatt Resort but then realize they don't understand what anybody's talking about on the phone when it's at a loud poolside table and so that's how very sophisticated you are,' if you know what I mean," Apple spokesman Shane Flanagan said in an interview with The Babylon Bee. "It's the best iPhone we've ever made."

Reports indicate the phone will only steal your data if you click a confirmation button to allow the theft after an easy-to-understand pop-up message appears in large print. This offers the user a somewhat opaque choice between the privacy of not having their data stolen or living in a world without free, self-driving Teslas.

At publishing time, executives were already designing the iPHONE 17 to aggressively steal users' spouses.