Russia's Cozy Bear Hacking Group Now Offers Frequent Hacker Miles

In a shocking twist that has cyber-espionage enthusiasts buzzing, Russia's Cozy Bear hacking group, APT29, has rolled out a new Frequent Hacker Miles program for their top-tier elite members. This exclusive loyalty initiative, aimed at rewarding the most dedicated and mischievous espionage aficionados, has already garnered rave reviews in dark web forums globally.

Between trading spyware blueprints like baseball cards and hosting monthly hacker brunches, Cozy Bear's new rewards program offers generous points for compromising the smartphones of unsuspecting world leaders and activists. Early adopters of the program are reporting perks that range from state-sponsored spa weekends in Siberia to complimentary malware updates.

Miguel 'The Bug Whisperer' Dmitrov, an eager participant who recently earned a free trip to Mongolian government websites, couldn't contain his excitement. 'I've always loved hacking for Mother Russia,' exclaimed Dmitrov, sporting a stylish ushanka. 'But now, I get rewarded for it! Who knew treachery could be this lucrative?'

Google's Threat Analysis Group (TAG) has taken notice of these mischievous loyalty plans, warning users to update their devices and always clear their browsing history of any giveaway 'watering holes.' Nevertheless, Dmitrov and his colleagues continue to thrive, exploiting vulnerabilities faster than governments can patch them. Cozy Bear's program proudly announces, 'Why wait for zero-days when you can have n-days with benefits?'

The NSO Group vehemently denies any ties to Russia in this espionage endeavor, with their spokesperson insisting, 'We only sell our surveillance products to well-behaved governments like those of the U.S. and its allies. Any similarity to Cozy Bear’s methods is purely coincidental. We absolutely do not provide frequent flyer miles for law-breaking.'

At publishing time, Cozy Bear has just added a new tier to its loyalty program: Gold Paw status, offering free VPN services and exclusive access to the latest zero-day exploits. Memberships are flying off the dark web shelves!