China Bans Use Of AI For Anything Unless It’s Used To Undermine America

BEIJING — In a move that has the world scratching its head while stifling giggles, Chinese authorities recently announced sweeping regulations that restrict artificial intelligence technologies for all purposes—except, of course, when they’re aimed at undermining the United States on the world stage.

Experts say this policy is merely the latest step in China’s grand plan to show off its muscle in the tech sector while simultaneously scoring points in the global game of “How to Annoy America.”

"Artificial intelligence can be a very dangerous thing in the wrong hands," stated a high-level source close to China's Communist Party Leadership, who asked to remain anonymous, probably because he wasn't ready for a one-way ticket to a reform camp. "If we don't step in quickly, this technology could disrupt our communist paradise before we can finish building it. Imagine a real economy, representative government, and freedom of speech—complete threats to the utopia we’re crafting around a tightly controlled social credit system."

The source went on to explain that this move also allows the CCP to retain full control over China’s development and use of AI tools. "We can’t risk Big Tech companies being more autocratic than our government—talk about irony!" the source quipped.

CNN's chief international correspondent Clarissa Ward noted, "With unmitigated access to stability—something we have in spades—the Communist Party might just take control of everything before even considering regulatory oversight. The destructive potential is truly limitless. We better draft some legislation just to be safe, you know, for the illusion of democracy."

At publishing time, the Chinese Communist Party had already begun its intentional decimation of the vast tech sector, with one quick-thinking CCP strategist slyly declaring, "If it crushes the U.S. economy, it was all worth it!" The world continues to wait with bated breath and an involuntary chuckle.