Almost Everyone Not Using Windows Is Using Malware

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA — According to a report published Thursday by international antivirus experts, anyone who isn't using Windows is most likely using a platform specifically targeted for the research and development of computer viruses and malware.

"Today, about 87% of computers worldwide are running some version of Windows," the report stated, "which means that the remaining 13% of systems are undoubtedly in use by malicious hackers and IT nerds who wish they could be hackers."

Apple representatives refuted the claim. "This is just another anti-Mac smear campaign," Apple parent company Pcorp said in a press release. "The Mac is the perfect laptop for students, professors, and research scientists. Usability is at the core of our consumer experience."

The report went on to say that Apple's Research Division uses Aperture X technology exclusively written on Perl-for-Mac 6000 units running Crimson OS, generating contenders for the highest ratio of software-to-disease in the world.

At publishing time, the antivirus company admitted it was only a little unsure about the other 12% of the computer market being used by "people who should really consider using Windows."