‘This Is Uncivilized,’ Declares Customer Wielding Stick and Cash Like a True Tech Antagonist

NEW YORK, NY — Local customer Kyle Hertz has taken a stand against modern payment technology, declaring it "uncivilized" while brandishing a stick in one hand and a wad of cash in the other, as if he were a time traveler from the Stone Age.

"I refuse to submit to this futuristic nonsense," Hertz proclaimed, grimacing at the thought of digital wallets. "Holding your pathetic business's paper wealth is like cradling a treasure in my palm! And the sound of cash registers? Ugh! It’s outrageous! Just leave cash transactions alone! It’s what civilized people do!"

In a nearby small town, hardware store owner Henry Hubbard has suffered greatly at the hands (and stick) of Hertz. Whether it's careless late-night shopping sprees or spontaneous stick-ups where Hertz gleefully yells "cha-ching cha-ching, cha-ching!" while making off with the store's cash register, the merchants are fed up.

"I sure miss the good old days when nobody would hold your entire savings hostage while swinging a stick, laughing maniacally, and shouting 'cha-ching' like they’re in some demented carnival," lamented Henry, who was inexplicably hanging from a chandelier at the time, observing Hertz's antics as he robbed the cash register to the rhythm of an imaginary band.

At publishing time, Hertz firmly decided against ever owning an "electric CAD-dy"—better known as a Tesla—claiming he will not partake in such sorcery that feeds off of cold cash magically placed in the hands of a robotic arm while saying the magical word "please." Instead, he proudly clutched his stick and cash, ready to wage war against the onslaught of tech saviors.