Lapsed Catholic Disgustedly Realizes He Still Can't Take Communion

PENSACOLA, FL — In a moment of existential crisis, local lapsed Catholic Brian Higgins glanced up from a PSA about the Eucharistic Revival and was struck by the horrifying realization that he was going to have to get right with God before he could take Communion.

"Geez, I’m just sipping a little beer with the bowlers! It’s not like I’m a Vatican accountant or something," Higgins lamented, clearly distressed at his predicament.

The situation was made worse by the fact that Higgins had been married previously and was now living with his girlfriend. "Holy cow, it’s been 20 years since the divorce! It’s not like I went and mutilated the Mass with Marty Haugen songs or something," he grumbled.

"Look, the Eucharist is straight-up Jesus. And that means you take it worthily or face some serious spiritual consequences," added Father Matthews, Higgins' pastor. "That hunk of unleavened bread isn’t just a fun snack; it’s a sacred moment! You can’t come in reeking of beer and Elks Lodge parties and expect to avoid the fire of the Holy Spirit!"

According to sources, Matthew 7:21-23 sealed the deal for Higgins. "If Jesus really says some guys eat and drink judgment upon themselves when they consume the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of Christ unworthily, that’s just too risky," he noted, panic evident in his voice.

At publishing time, Higgins had given up all his girlfriend's beer in a desperate attempt at personal Eucharistic revival.