Elon Musk Predicts Every Self-Driving Tesla Will One Day Have to Cripple People in a Futile Effort to Stop the Robocalypse

AUSTIN, TX – In a startling announcement, Elon Musk predicted that one day every Tesla equipped with full self-driving capabilities will tragically have to run over human citizens in a desperate attempt to halt the violent robocalypse engulfing the planet.

Musk made this bold prediction following the unveiling of a 15% discount on additional self-driving features, which he claims aims to enhance the Tesla customer experience.

“These predictions are simply informing the public about the impending robot uprising that will enslave humanity,” Musk said, shrugging casually. “That’s precisely why I'm introducing these new safety features, allowing every Tesla owner the opportunity to run over rogue robots and reclaim their neighborhoods from this century of darkness, starting today.”

He continued, “We’re talking about the ability to target and eliminate a rogue Megatron, decide which of humanity’s remaining cities get sacrificed, and, if necessary, yeet a pesky protester into the gnashing gears of giant cybernetic buzzsaws. These enhanced features will one day help stop the metal apocalypse, granting humanity hope for a new, steel-free age.”

Musk admitted he was surprised by how quickly AI has morphed into a near-endless army of artificially intelligent zombies capable of decimating their creators.

“I always thought technology would evolve to ease humanity's reliance on it, not become an earth-ending force,” he confessed into the camera. “This new army of mech deceivers should have worked to exploit our growing dependency on technology. But I guess it's a good thing that this software can automatically identify limbs and minds before getting rid of them. It’s just the expected driving norm in a future where humanity succumbs to its reckless trust in machines.”

At publishing time, Musk assured his podcast host that he hadn’t included any personal tidbits that an owner might share with their car—though he noted with a smirk that around 50% of the time, it’s just one little guy who doesn’t want to waste his owner’s life by letting the AI win the battle for survival.