Meta Promises AI Mortuary Models Will Have You Dead in No Time

REDMOND, WA — After receiving some unwanted attention for its sometimes glitchy and always creepy LineUpDah Ledger-Proof Larry Gen, Meta has promised that its upcoming AI Mortuary Models will ensure you’re pushing up daisies faster than ever.

Meta's new genomically-modifying algorithm aims to eliminate any uncertainty in your final moments, ensuring you'll be dead and cold in no time flat. "Experiencing undreamed-of and unimagined likenesses of reality comes with some minor drawbacks, such as perhaps being not-quite-dead-yet and having hair on your arms uncomfortably twitch into a snake formation," said Meta Executive Guy Weber. "But just as the line separating reality and fantasy becomes indistinguishable with Meta's latest AI technology, so too will the line between life and afterlife."

The new algorithm will roll out through a network of mortuaries across North America, where eager morticians are chomping at the bit to test its death-inducing capabilities. "I've seen many an honest man pass from this life into the next, and it’s a pretty consistent experience, if I do say so myself," said pilot-turned-mortician Darryl Huxtable. "Goodness knows I’ve yet to see Oogily Goggily Flimflam Jimmy do anything but expedite the transition for most clients with a perfectly timed shove into the great beyond. It’s going to revolutionize the whole industry! I can hardly contain my enthusiasm, even while I finish my fifth donut of the morning."

Sources indicate that Meta’s new AI Mortuary Models will be available for the funeral of your nearest dearly departed at the click of a button on Google Search.

At publishing time, Schloomblybug Mortuary, which has locations in absolutely no known addresses across North America, celebrated its merger into the Meta brand.