We got 99 problems and Mayorkas ain't one!

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move some are describing as a bold power play and others are describing as a "total wuss-out," the House GOP opted not to impeach Alejandro Mayorkas and hundreds of millions of Americans are just super stoked about it.

"Look, we may have failed to impeach Mayorkas," said Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, "But did you guys see that new Amazon series about the astronaut who was really a Russian spy? We're gonna get to the bottom of that. Also, cut it out with the January 6th Select Committee, pretty please."

While the decision not to hold Mayorkas accountable for anything at all other than his exceptional job performance in allowing terrorism and human trafficking into the United States from the southern border has upset exactly none of the 331 million-plus residents of the country affected by his non-actions, sources inside the GOP reveal that the party has a lot on its plate at the moment and simply couldn't be bothered to follow through on anything resembling their primary duty to protect the nation.

"Dude, have you seen Gasoline Prices lately?" reported Rep. Dan Crenshaw. "I mean, not that you could actually SEE them because they're, you know, in the gas tank, but still. Yikes. We've got like a zillion fires to investigate about that before we get around to, uh, what's-his-name mayonnaise or whatever."

At publishing time, the GOP had scheduled seventeen more votes to repeal Obamacare and were in deep, serious talks with the makers of Pepto-Bismol about launching a full congressional investigation into that weird shade of pink.