Guys, I Don’t Think Elon Musk Is Going to Lay Off Anybody Today

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Reports are flooding in from San Francisco that Elon Musk, despite ruthlessly laying off nearly half of his company's workforce, is showing signs that he may not be laying off anyone else today.

"Oh man, you guys, do you think it’s possible Elon is done laying people off?" asked junior developer Aaron Grifaho, his voice trembling with anxiety. "He’s already eliminated 3,700 jobs. Maybe that’s enough people? I don’t want to get my hopes up, but that’s a ton of casualties. It would be almost weird if he laid off even more. This could be the end, right guys?"

Musk has kept Twitch employees on high alert since acquiring the company, launching waves of layoffs that have left the office looking like a game of musical chairs gone horribly wrong. While tranquility seems to finally reign over his new empire, coworkers of Grifaho urged caution.

"I don’t think he cares about leaving Twitch shorthanded, though," warned developer Alan Swerhof. "He's on a mission to clean house over here. You think he wouldn’t shut down entire departments if he didn’t need them? Dude walked into a room and told 85% of the people to get their stuff and go home. You ever asked him if he's seen Office Space, and whether he thinks it’s a comedy or a documentary? I’m too scared to find out. He could still have a few hundred more layoffs in him."

At publishing time, Grifaho had radioed home to tell his family he loved them, just in case he lost his job after all. Spoiler alert: He still hasn't planned for a backup career as a fire juggler.