16-Year Search For World's Most Mysterious Song Ends With 'The Most Mid Song Ever'

LAS VEGAS, NV — After a frantic 16-year-long search, authorities have finally identified "The Most Mysterious Song On The Internet," only to declare it "the most mid song ever."

The internet's greatest puzzle began in 2007 when a peculiar song from a cassette tape was uploaded to an online message board. The poster desperately sought help, unaware that what they had stumbled upon was a tune that no one on the internet had ever heard. Speculation ran wild: would Paul Simon one day reveal it as one of his long-lost tracks? After nearly two decades, however, it turns out the source was neither a legendary songwriter nor a pop sensation but rather the least cool German garage band you've never heard of.

“It’s a definite yikes,” said internet investigator Joseph Hultgren from his cubicle, clearly in disbelief. “Between minute 2 and minute 3, it was trying to channel some inspirational Beastie Boys vibes, but ultimately it ended up sounding more like aspiring amateur German music teachers. It just wasn’t giving what it was supposed to give. After some reflection, I’ve concluded it can only be rated as ‘mid.’”

Despite thousands of citizen investigators being underwhelmed by the track, the event has turned historic, thanks to the song's tumultuous journey. Since its rediscovery, "Subways of Your Mind" has been streamed over ten million times globally within just a few days. While no official polling has been conducted, early reports indicate that the song elicits a resounding "yeah" from 52-year-olds everywhere.

At publishing time, the song was ranked just one spot above Taylor Swift's "Dress" in the global mid-song rankings.