James Webb Telescope Issues Devastating First Report From Research Team Comprised Entirely Of Women

SPACE CENTER, HOUSTON — The James Webb Space Telescope issued a devastating first report from a research team comprised entirely of women Tuesday. The group of female scientists, astronauts, and astronomers who had been tapped by NASA to lead the research effort were given the keys to the multi-billion dollar telescope for two weeks.

NASA released the results of the all-female team's research to the public. According to the transcript, the 14-day expedition began with the question: "How many calories are stars?" Other questions followed: "If stars have carbs, can we just have one and not feel guilty?" "Do stars get stuck in your teeth?" And "Why does my butt look big in this space suit?"

The report concluded with a recommendation for a new survey of the universe titled: "Which Star Made That Smell?"

NASA says, despite needing a thorough four-week interior detail to remove glitter, makeup, and hair from the $10 billion telescope, the all-female team would be welcome back.

The report also indicated stars can be used like a heating ball at a nail salon to "harden our shellac."

At publishing time, NASA announced they will allow the first-ever James Webb Space knitting team comprised of grandmothers beginning in October.