Inside The Dyson Headquarters: Where We Make Stuff to Implode Dust Mites

MALMESBURY, ENGLAND — Media outlets were given rare access to the enigmatic Dyson headquarters nestled in the English countryside, where employees work tirelessly year-round on bizarre products designed to obliterate dust mites through tactical ultrasonic implosions.

"We're always asking ourselves, ‘How can we dissolve crud from your carpet using the dark arts of science?’" said Senior Engineer Terry Milton. "Just last week, we invented a motor that spins fast enough to open a wormhole and swallow dog hair into its dark abyss!"

"I'm sorry, that's top secret," he quickly corrected, pretending the wormhole part was merely a figment of our imagination.

Since Abram Dyson first founded the company to produce high-end vacuums, he has attracted billions in venture capital to chase down bizarre, mythological technologies aimed at eradicating microscopic life from homes and offices.

"We actually are hiring," admitted D.C. Hammersmith, Director of Electric Ghosts. "Imagine a world where we can harvest dust and animal skin cells to power our mini-nuclear vampire turbines. Think you have what it takes? Apply now!"

As we went to press, employees were deeply concerned about yet another power outage in the vacuum testing chamber, an ominous area notorious for unpredictably consuming anything that comes too close.