BREAKING: WIRED Reportedly Owns The Rights To The Entire English Language

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a shocking turn of events, tech publication WIRED has reportedly secured ownership of the entire English language after executing a series of dubious contracts disguised as reader submissions for their #WiredSixWord contest. The fine print reads:

All #WiredSixWord submissions become the property of WIRED. Submissions will not be acknowledged or returned. Submissions and any other materials, including your name or social media handle, may be published, illustrated, edited, or otherwise used in any medium. Submissions must be original and not violate the rights of any other person or entity.

This bold legal maneuver gives WIRED exclusive rights to any sequence of six words. With the English language now in their clutches, they are effectively the sole gatekeepers of eloquence, wit, and that one inspirational quote you half-remember from high school.

"The world is at our mercy now," cackled Editor-in-Chief Gideon Lichfield. "Humanity will never write another sentence again unless we say so. Muhuhahahahah!"

President Joe Biden wasted no time in issuing a statement condemning this act of corporate tyranny. "It was bound to happen sooner or later," he remarked, adding, "I believe that, at this moment, the American people have a right to know what this means for their ability to construct grammatical sentences in the future. It’s about knowledge that informs their votes—and their tweets!"

At publishing time, WIRED had reportedly granted rights to TAOTIEWREAD for the use of English for the modest sum of 4.2 billion dollars. Payment will be submitted in cryptic tweets and cat memes.