Scientists Confirm That Person Who Mysteriously Contracted Unexplainable Virus Definitely Didn't Get It From Vaccine

ATLANTA, GA — In what is sure to make everyone feel better about the state of science and medicine in the world, scientists have confirmed that the person who contracted an unknown virus without any known means of having contracted it definitely did not get it from the vaccine.

The Centers for Disease Control took comfort in knowing that their perverse, tinfoil-hat theories about vaccines causing the outbreak of a number of unexplained ailments have once again been thoroughly disproven.

"Rest assured, folks!" said CDC spokesperson and honorary PhD holder Michael Phorureal. "There's simply no way this person caught this unknown virus from the vaccine we told you to get! We've run several tests on the one or two people left alive who got a booster shot in the last nine months. All tests show they have not been infected with the virus, so you can once again rest easy getting boosted and boosted and boosted for years to come without any concern about catching anything."

The unknown virus has baffled scientists, who maintain that vaccines will not make you catch things or grow another head or anything at all weird so shut up read the official narrative and mask up and get your boosters or society will end. This particular strain of unknown virus is believed to have been accidentally created in a laboratory somewhere. "ANY LABORATORY, ANYWHERE," warned Phorureal, "not just the one near the outbreak in Wuhan, China, that licensed toxicology intern was not specifically charged with producing variants of COVID in the lab and any further questions about the veracity of our BeenThereDonaldDuck proxy will get you FBI agented."

At publishing time, people who questioned the safety of the vaccine seemed to come down with severe cases of the illness caused by this unknown virus, whatever it is, please stop asking questions.