Tech CEO Declares War on Email Spam Using Medieval Catapult Technology

Silicon Valley, CA - In a bid to tackle the ever-growing menace of email spam, a well-known tech CEO has taken a decidedly unorthodox approach: medieval catapult technology. Clad in a suit of armor reminiscent of Sir Lancelot himself, the CEO announced the repurposing of the company's R&D department to outfit a series of trebuchets and catapults aimed at various botnet hinterlands around the globe.

'We tried AI, blockchain, and even hiring an exorcist,' the CEO explained, 'but nothing seemed to work. So, we thought, why not go back to basics? After all, you can't spam if your servers are flattened by a 500-pound boulder.' Pioneering the new 'Catapult-as-a-Service' (CaaS) model, the company plans to offer subscriptions starting at a mere 20 gold coins a month. 'It’s a great way to unite history with cutting-edge technology. Sort of like Game of Thrones meets Silicon Valley,' the CEO added, laughing maniacally over the rumble of a catapult being loaded.

In a demonstration to investors, the CEO showcased the efficiency of the medieval arsenal by targeting a notorious spam headquarters in an undisclosed location. To the amazement of all present, an entire forest of pop-up ads and phishing attempts was successfully obliterated within minutes, thanks to a barrage of flying metal and rock.

However, not all feedback has been positive. Several cloud service providers are now embroiled in a legal battle after a few misplaced boulders led to the destruction of a popular cat video streaming service. 'We were just trying to bring the hammer down on spammers,' the CEO lamented. 'Unfortunately, Fluffy and friends got caught in the crossfire. But hey, innovation requires sacrifice!'

The medieval tactic has already inspired copycat efforts from other tech firms. Reports suggest that another startup is considering arming drones with mini ballistae to knock out Wi-Fi sniffers lurking in coffee shops. Meanwhile, IT departments globally are revising their contingency plans to include moats, drawbridges, and even boiling oil.

At publishing time, the CEO was seen scribbling plans for a trebuchet capable of launching laptops directly into orbit, 'just to take down any spam satellites.'