"How Can We Stop This Group?" Asks DOJ Official Not Charging Hunter Biden

MICHIGAN — Following a sentencing hearing for an Army veteran who promoted child sexual exploitation online, Assistant Attorney General Matt Olsen asked a crucial question: how can we protect children from such monsters?

"How do we stop these people exploiting children?" Mr. Olsen pondered aloud, conveniently ignoring his choice not to prosecute Hunter Biden for home movies showing him smoking crack while cavorting with underage girls during a lifestyle of influence-peddling that included benefiting family members of the Vice President.

"Innocent children deserve to grow up in a world free from having to walk in on their non-binary parent's meth-fueled orgy with middle school classmates, don't they?" he remarked.

Mr. Olsen went on to assure reporters that proven internet predators will receive the same full prosecutorial attention as former presidents keeping copies of top-secret emails, people posting iPhone videos of the January 6th uprising on social media, and those owning firearms purchased out of state.

At publishing time, Attorney General Merrick Garland was overheard wondering how Democrats could bridge the growing divide in America, despite the divide being primarily fueled by Republicans.