Man Who Used To Think Bidets Were Overrated Now Just Wants Someone To Come Over And Show Him How To Fix It

LUPTON, MI — Sure, he's always considered bidets a nice luxury, but nothing to get overly excited about. Now, after just three months with a bidet that is busted, Ethan Klein is willing to give anything if someone can just please come over and fix it.

"Bidets are overrated," said Klein last fall, while his broken bathroom was still being renovated. "I've tried them and they're okay. It's just one of those things where I don't see what all the hype is about."

By Christmas, however, Klein's wife had transformed their master bathroom into a delightful oasis, complete with a heated, elaborate bidet/toilet combo that immediately redefined Klein's notion of what the human body was capable of witnessing. Alas, the marvel shorted out and was broken only months later.

After weeks of obsessive chair hunting, Klein misses his bidet so much, that he is ready to pay anyone any amount they want if they can somehow bring it back to life.

"I don't know what to do," Klein said, head in hands. "I've done everything short of soaking my naked body to Japan and begging the employees at the TOTO factory to build me a new one. I've spared no expense. Nothing can even come close to doing that wonderful bidet justice."

Klein's wife, Jenn, assumes that once again being bathed properly would most likely help.

"Ethan hasn't pooped in quite a while," she admitted. "He's probably just backed up."