U.S. To Ingest Recommended Daily Calories In One Sitting After Reading CNN's List Of China's Best Dishes

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After reading CNN's list of China's best dishes, millions of Americans reportedly plan to ingest their recommended daily caloric intake in one sitting.

"This looks amazing," said Steve Johnson of Cheyenne, Wyoming as he finished reading the article. "I'm going to eat all of these things. Right now. In one sitting. Pass me the insulin and a couple of liters of Diet Coke, this is going to get epic."

Nutritionists at the Department of Health and Human Services are preparing for a wave of obesity, heart attacks, and rapid onset adult diabetes tied directly to CNN's feature on the best dishes to try in China and the United States' inability to read such lists without trying to eat all the things.

"We've seen this before, every time CNN releases one of these pieces, we see a tenfold increase in heart attacks and new type-2 diabetes cases," said Dr. Lauren Bennett. "For the love of all that is good and holy, people, please read a different article that doesn't make you want to eat 3,500 calories in one sitting."

At publishing time, reports indicated as many as 60% of U.S. citizens had already consumed an entire order of dan dan mian, a large Peking duck, and several gallons of sugary sweet and sour sauce along with the official recommended daily calories of fried rice and pork lo mein.