Tech Giant Releases New AI That Can Predict Exactly When Your Laptop Will Die – Spoiler: It's Always Right Before A Deadline

In a shocking twist that absolutely nobody saw coming, leading tech giant MegaCorp has unveiled their latest innovation: an AI known as 'ProcrastiBot,' designed to predict the precise moment your laptop will decide to give up on life. Experts say it's 99.9% accurate when it comes to ensuring your device's demise coincides perfectly with crucial work, academic, or gaming deadlines.

According to MegaCorp's press release, ProcrastiBot uses advanced machine learning algorithms, analyzing every tiny strain, overheat, and data overload your computer has endured. It then calculates with laser precision the exact second it's most inconvenient for your system to crash, always landing on the very minute before you hit 'Save' on that 50-page report due tomorrow.

"We wanted to create an unparalleled user experience," said CEO Luke Grindstone. "After all, what's more memorable than the heart-pounding terror that comes from watching your screen freeze while you were just about to name the final boss in your monthly progress update slide deck?"

Beta testers of ProcrastiBot have had nothing but glowing reviews—albeit laced with sarcasm and bitter tears. "Just yesterday, my laptop died 5 seconds before my online exam ended," tweeted one user with a username that suspiciously looked like 'MegaCorp-Is-Evil123.' "I was almost done! Then 'System Failure' popped up, and all I saw was darkness, both on my screen and in my soul."

But it doesn't end there. ProcrastiBot comes integrated with a suite of features designed to optimize your procrastination experience. For instance, the 'Distraction Mode' flawlessly triggers countless update reminders and completely irrelevant notifications whenever you're in deep focus, ensuring endless productivity paralysis.

At publishing time, MegaCorp announced an upcoming ProcrastiBot Pro version, which promises to not just predict but actively ensure your WiFi drops every time you enter a Zoom meeting, guaranteeing maximum chaos and minimal productivity.