Man Explaining That "The Simulation Is Glitching" Seems Fine

HOUSTON, TX — Local man Steve Jordan appeared completely normal — even cheerful — while sharing his theory that the simulation we all inhabit is glitching out in bizarre ways.

"This has been happening for some time, but I’m just now seeing the larger cosmic picture," Jordan told a bewildered stranger in line at Starbucks. "The lights flickering in my house, our dog barking at invisible entities, Joe Biden mysteriously gaining twenty points in the polls—all signs that something is off. And let's not forget how I keep losing chunks of my time! Everything is connected! Now, if you'll excuse me, I’m going to make less sense than I already do!"

Witnesses reported that Mr. Jordan suddenly burst into tears while manning a customer support desk he’d held for seven years. Colleagues described this emotional outburst as out of character for an otherwise