Shave Your Head? Please - The Glory Of Hair Is Your Birthright

LOS ANGELES, CA — On the latest episode of his podcast, former FOX News host Tucker Carlson encouraged Elon Musk to let go of his anxiety and embrace the glory of what could be the world's greatest head of hair.

"Whoa-whoa-whoa, Elon - don't you dare cut your hair off! Are you crazy? That is your birthright as a man!" Carlson declared passionately.

"Stop worrying about what your hair says about you. Did it ever occur to you that the quintessential purpose of human existence is to have the greatest, most luscious mane possible?"

Musk responded, saying he was indeed worried. "Of course it’s going to bother me when people say, 'Oh, there’s that hair-having CEO. Don’t expect a single innovative thought ever again from that one.' No competent engineer would ever try to build a tunnel under Los Angeles. A hairless head would probably help people realize that I know what I’m doing and thought through every dumb project I’ve ever attempted, no matter how useless!"

When later reached for on-the-record comments, Mr. Musk let his billion-dollar head of hair do all the talking by whispering sweet, sibilant sighs as a gentle breeze caressed his flowing locks.

At publishing time, Mr. Carlson had booked Hau Thiam, the longtime underground barber to everyone who's anyone, to come on his show and explain what he yells at his clients just before he shaves their head clean.