Local Man Excited For Minecraft Movie, As Long As It Has No 'Woke' Characters

PHOENIX, AZ — Local man Benjamin Maxwell declared he will be a first-day attendee of the upcoming Minecraft movie, on one crucial condition: it must not include what he calls 'woke' characters.

"If I hear there's any sort of diversity being shoved down my throat in this movie, I will not go and I will scream about it on the internet!" said Maxwell in a post on X. "I am just tired of wokeness trying to ruin MY important cultural childhood touchstone."

Maxwell explained to his followers that he is typically a loyal consumer of every big-name franchise and adheres to the studio's schedule like clockwork. However, he indicated he would instantly abandon a franchise if they dared to cast anyone who doesn’t look like the pixelated characters of his childhood.

"Even though the Minecraft video games are shown in low-resolution to simulate the blocky effect of being made of cubes, I just can't stand the idea of them changing Steve's appearance, even if Steve is played by Jack Black," he lamented. "It just can't happen."

When reminded that Steve is voiced by the actor known as Jack Black and wouldn't be portrayed as a different character entirely, Maxwell launched into an hours-long rant about how he had already been forced to quit drinking Bud Light since they featured an ad campaign with an openly trans woman.

At publishing time, Maxwell announced he was also incredibly excited for the upcoming The Marvels movie, provided it features no female characters. He stated that otherwise, he’d consider staging a one-man protest outside the theater with his beloved Minecraft pickaxe.