Tech CEO Announces Revolutionary New App That Does Nothing, Still Worth Billions

In a groundbreaking move that's set to shake up the tech industry, Silicon Valley startup 'NadaTech' has launched an app that does absolutely nothing. Proclaimed as the next big thing in digital innovation, the app - simply named 'Zilch' - has taken the internet by storm and already valued at over $3 billion. 'We wanted to break the mold and challenge the status quo,' explained the exuberant CEO, 'Our app provides users with a clean, distraction-free digital space, perfect for doing absolutely nothing.'

The app's user interface is stark, featuring a plain white screen and a single button labeled 'Nothing.' When pressed, the button does, as promised, precisely nothing. Despite its minimalist design and functionalityless appeal, Zilch has gained a massive following of tech enthusiasts eager to embrace the newest trend of doing nothing efficiently. 'It's so refreshing! Finally, an app that doesn't bombard me with notifications or data tracking!' exclaimed an early adopter, staring blissfully at their blank screen.

Zilch's success has sparked a flurry of copycat products. Close contenders include 'Null,' which provides an empty black screen, and 'Empty,' offering a highly customizable color scheme for your own personal flavor of vacant. Meanwhile, critics remain baffled. 'Have we really reached the point where paying for nothing is innovative?' pondered one tech analyst, before promptly downloading Zilch to 'see what all the fuss was about.'

Not to be outdone, rival tech magnate Elon Musk announced his own competing app, 'Void,' which promises to offer users 'more nothing than Zilch,' though details are still murky on how he plans to achieve this ambitious goal. Predictably, Musk's proclamation sparked yet another spike in NadaTech's market value, as investors continue to pour money into the burgeoning nothingness sector. 'The nothingness market is proving to be the next frontier,' commented a Wall Street broker.

Entrepreneurs worldwide are now pondering how to monetize other forms of absence. An enterprising group launched 'Quiet,' a subscription service offering the latest breakthroughs in silent ringtones. In response, traditional tech companies are scrambling to pivot. Apple is rumored to be developing a new 'iNada' to complement its existing product line, confirming once and for all that nothing is indeed the new something.

At publishing time, users of Zilch reported a 200% increase in productivity and happiness, though the exact reasons remain elusive - perhaps because nothing really is the best way to escape the constant demands of technology.