Apple’s Revolutionary iPhone 14 Features Hemp Charging Cable

In a move that has baffled critics and delighted fans, Apple has revealed that the new iPhone 14 will feature a charging cable made entirely out of organic hemp. The revolutionary cable is said to be more durable, eco-friendly, and somehow more expensive than actual gold. Early adopters are already praising it for its natural resistance to tangling and for the faint odor of patchouli it emits while charging. 'It’s like a tech detox for your phone,' said one enthusiastic buyer, 'it makes me feel really connected to Mother Earth while I scroll through Instagram and ignore everyone around me.'

Apple executives claim this innovation was inspired by a vision of Steve Jobs himself, who reportedly appeared in a dream to CEO Tim Cook holding a basket of hemp fibers and whispering, 'Think greener.' Though critics argue that the cable’s price tag of $199 is a bit steep, Apple fans have countered that the peace of mind knowing their charging cable is compostable is absolutely worth it. 'Plus, if you get stranded in the wilderness, you can use it to start a campfire,' boasted one proud owner.

The announcement has sent shockwaves through Silicon Valley. Samsung immediately tried to one-up Apple by announcing a new line of smartphones with coconut casing, but the reception was lukewarm, with many consumers wondering if the phones could double as a tropical snack. Meanwhile, Google has allegedly filed a patent for a 'Zen Charging Mat' made from recycled yoga mats, though it's unclear when—or if—that product will see the light of day.

Supporters of Apple’s move say it’s high time tech companies started considering their environmental impact more seriously. 'I can’t wait for Apple to release the iOS update that makes Siri speak only in haikus about climate change,' said an enthusiastic environmental activist. Others have raised concerns about the durability and practicality of a hemp cable, to which Apple responded by launching an entirely new category in their stores: replacement hemp cables.

The unexpected success of the hemp cable has led to wild speculation about the future direction of Apple’s product lineup. Rumors suggest that the company is developing an Apple Watch with a strap woven from seaweed, though insiders say this has posed some unexpected challenges, such as the strap becoming a seagull magnet. Apple’s marketing team, however, seems undeterred. 'The seagulls are just a feature, not a bug,' said one anonymous source. 'They symbolize freedom and the wild spirit of innovation!'

At publishing time, Apple had sold out of their first million hemp cables within hours, and CEO Tim Cook was spotted consuming kale smoothies for breakfast, perhaps a hint at the company’s next big product reveal—an iMac made entirely out of locally sourced quinoa.