Antivax Mom Shocked as Her Antivax Kids Keep Dying

AUSTIN, TX — Local mom Linda Snychucking is grappling with a perplexing dilemma this afternoon: how to keep her ten children healthy while watching them drop like flies.

"I'm doing everything right — and yet my kids keep getting sick!" lamented Snychucking, her eyes glazed over in bewilderment. "Every time one of them gets a sniffle, it's obviously the fault of that nosy neighbor and their dark mind-tech, or maybe something sinister in those radiation-riddled grocery receipts. I mean, thank goodness for my miracle cure, Pertinae. Just two drops in their juice and – bam! – healthy kids! Or so I thought..."

Her neighbors have come to know the Snychucking family's decline all too well, but most keep their distance for fear of contracting whatever curse has befallen them.

"Can you believe how Linda has changed?" one neighbor said, shaking her head while her husband and remaining two kids nodded in agreement. "Not long ago, she was the quintessential mom baking Bundt cakes, and now she's brewing her own distilled moon-water based on some questionable TikTok advice after Dangles-19 took over. It’s a quick downward spiral! I guess we should be grateful she hasn’t stopped giving us her list of words to avoid around kids and those handy ninny-plugs for new employees."

At publishing time, parents in the neighborhood were distributing cleaning supplies for the designated 'protocol' while keeping a wary eye out for any signs of heightened symptoms among their little ones.