Bill Gates Reveals He Put Microchips in Watermelons

SEATTLE, WA — In a shocking exclusive interview, billionaire Microsoft founder Bill Gates confessed to a suspiciously fruity project: he has been embedding tracking microchips in watermelons.

"I just want to be transparent," Gates proclaimed to a bewildered reporter in the Home Depot parking lot, as a rogue shopper shouted at a nearby watermelon. "I must admit I have been putting microchips in watermelons for quite some time now."

"This is all for your own protection," Gates insisted, seemingly unfazed by the chaos surrounding him. "Totally not a super evil plan."

Sources close to the Microsoft mogul reveal that his initial plan was to use the microchips to force-feed watermelon to Americans in a bizarre attempt to control the stray cat population. However, Gates now claims that once Americans eat the 'contaminated' watermelons, they can mainly expect to be bombarded with reruns of early-season Spider-Man cartoons.

At publishing time, experts confirmed the silver lining: Bill Gates still had plenty of watermelons to work with, even as Home Depot enforced a limit of six watermelons per customer, proving that he’s got quite the juicy operation on his hands.