Uber Unveils Option For Even Precarious Rides

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — This week, Uber CEO Ted Shappo announced a bold new feature that will allow riders to make their journeys home even more precarious than ever before.

"Our riders have spoken, loudly and clearly," Shappo declared at the press conference. "That’s why, starting today, we’re excited to give our loyal users the opportunity to experience the thrill of riding with additional peril!"

In a post on the company’s official blog, Uber detailed a wide variety of options available to enhance the harrowing journey. Riders can now select from a combination of features that maximize their anxiety levels:

• Seat so low, you can’t see over the dashboard

• Unclear ability to communicate with the driver

• Driver who yells at other drivers as if they’re all competing in a NASCAR race

• Driver who promotes tipping at every single stop sign

• Horrific smell reminiscent of a soccer team’s lost gear

• Ride so shaky, you’ll question if you're traveling in a vehicle or on a carnival ride

• A student driver sticker plastered on the bumper

• Unbelievably bad eyesight, which you’ve somehow confirmed

• Driver with breath that resembles something you'd encounter in a dumpster

Additionally, Uber warns that these thrilling selections may be inadvertently applied to any ride based on your life choices and existential decisions.

At publishing time, Uber urged passengers to hit the "Stay Precarious" button as they approach their final destination for an exhilarating finish to their adventure.