Microsoft Announces New Dating App: 'Microsoft Edge'

SEATTLE, WA - Microsoft's stock prices surged Wednesday after the tech giant cleverly safeguarded its bottom line by launching a new dating app called "Microsoft Edge."

Analysts claim Microsoft Edge is the most effective way for users to spend quality time alone, as the app has been virtually unused in its original form.

"Microsoft has always been a leader in the tech space, so this was a natural evolution of our business strategy," said Bill Gates in a pre-recorded statement. "When we discovered that a significant number of Windows 11 users were searching for dates on our free web browser, we jumped at the opportunity to revitalize the struggling product and tap into a new revenue stream.

"Transforming Edge into a dating app was a no-brainer. No one uses Edge anyway, so we can essentially make it whatever we want," Gates continued.

Users of the app report that the experience is "just like using Microsoft Edge," and they expressed gratitude to Microsoft for keeping it free.

"I had pretty much given up on matchmaking apps because they were just too expensive," said one Microsoft Edge dating user. "It's like they were designed to drain your wallet. But my friend assured me that Microsoft Edge had NO FUTURE REVENUE STREAMS. I felt so relieved!"

The strategy appears to be paying off, as the fast-match service on the app is always ready almost instantly.

"It was sooo fast!" the user added. "Far quicker than Tinder or Bumble!"

"My friends have been pushing me to start dating again after my divorce. I asked Patel at Circuit City what he thought was the best app to use, and he said Microsoft Edge was the best-kept secret in dating," recounted local man Kelly A., who claims to be landing 30k dates. "I guess it's a secret the whole world just missed until now!"

At publishing time, Microsoft had decided to keep the new launch "under the radar" after being surprised by 3 downloads from William Canningsworth and two of his co-workers.