Here’s A 12,000-Item List Of Diversity, Equity, & Inclusion Terms That Absolutely Makes Sense

HERNDON, VA — Cybersecurity company Advanced Cyber Intelligence has announced the release of their latest comprehensive index of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion terms that makes total sense, absolutely doesn’t leave room for misunderstanding, and couldn’t possibly lead to any sort of slippery slope—unless we're talking about a fun slide at a corporate retreat.

“This glossary of terms covers everything you could ever need to know to ensure your communication is as anti-racist and equitable as possible, all while accelerating everyone’s unique idea of fairness,” a translated press release read. “If you think this glossary makes no sense, congratulations—you are officially an irredeemable bigot!”

The glossary helps well-meaning employees dodge the pitfalls of overt racism and inequity by providing live onscreen updates on the current acceptable definitions of complex terms like Anti-Black Racism (ABR), Critical Race Theory (CRT), Black, Indigenous, People of Color (BIPOC), Affinity Bias, and Implicit Bias. Because, obviously, the last thing you want is to accidentally offend someone while trying to be an ally!

“Those are just a handful of examples of terms highlighted in the glossary, which contains a staggering 12,000 entries that reexamine words you thought you knew in a way that’s completely different from anything you learned in school,” the press release continued. “Each definition is defined at excruciating length and is subject to update whenever we feel like it! This is about real anti-racist equity—not your misguided notions of fairness or that new $300 haircut you were eyeing.”

The glossary maxed out at 122.5 pages, featuring nearly 30,000 terms, 19 of which are so controversial they will remain redacted in the fourth season of The Walking Dead.

At publishing time, two individuals who share an Auntie are still debating whether they can call each other Sistah, regardless of whether they are the same race—or hairstyle.