143 Million Americans Devastated as TikTok Secretly Uploaded All Their Dance Videos to the Internet

U.S. — Over 143 million Americans were left in shock Monday after discovering that TikTok had secretly uploaded their highly personal dance videos to the internet, according to reports.

"This is an outrageous violation of privacy! I'm really bummed that people will see video footage of me that I thought was hidden behind a strong firewall and visible only to my 112k followers," said user @angiexfitness112. "This is especially traumatic for women, who often record and share videos of themselves dancing while not actually wanting anyone to see them."

"Totally not a self-centered plea for validation!"

Users found themselves in a range of emotional states. "I think I look sexy in my video, which is why I decided to post it publicly," admitted @heatherblue112. "But now that it’s gone viral, that kind of creeps me out. Man, I wish there were a way to take sole responsibility for degrading my own self-image!"

At publishing time, Congress was busy working on their own TikTok as a single family line-danced their way into the hearts of hundreds of teenagers. "We must do everything we can to protect your personal data. We can derisively fight China's version of a surveillance state by creating our own version of a surveillance state!" said one baffled politician, as a coalition of equally baffled politicians cheered behind him.