Rural Voter Incompetently Voting Against His Own Self-Interests Confused By Midnight Ballot Dump

EAST RUDDLE, AR — Local blue-collar worker and lifelong Republican Charles L. Mitchum was seen muttering to himself in confusion Tuesday night after a midnight ballot dump skyrocketed some of his preferred candidates to victory on Election Night.

The small farmer and long-time small business owner routinely votes against his own self-interests as an ignorant rural hick, impervious to acting in a manner that might, in any way, improve his lowly status in life. After watching the 2023 midterms live and witnessing most of his local candidates suffering large losses when he went to bed, Charles was shocked to wake the next day and learn they had somehow won and will soon be representing him in local government.

"How could such a thing happen? Must have been a big unexplained dump of ballots around midnight," he told sources. "I couldn't be happier to have these men and women leading the community, making sure people like me will never prosper while keeping hillbillies like me suppressed.

"A future where hard work is not rewarded, independent small businesses like mine are crippled through regulations, and taxes are made so high I have to lay off my employees and eventually close down, then wonder if I'd saved enough to properly feed all my kids." He then chuckled and shook his head. "I guess I just like being destitute. There's no other explanation for why a dumb yokel like me would vote Republican."

At several sources' mention that possible voter fraud could have occurred, Charles laughed. "No, it couldn't have been. Everyone knows rural rubes like me prefer candidates whose policies are proven to bring about bankruptcy and poverty. It's a mystery either way and I'd like to thank whoever stepped in to suppress my middle-class lifestyle."

At publishing time Charles had wondered aloud why nobody had picked up the local milk delivery route since he voted to end entitlement programs, then mumbled something about the rumble of horse hooves on cobblestone streets being better than the traffic jams of the big city.