Silicon Valley Unveils Revolutionary Vegan Battery - Because Electricity Needs to Be Cruelty-Free Too

Silicon Valley has done it again! In the most progressive leap towards a cruelty-free world, they've unveiled the world's first vegan battery. Startup company EcoElectron, known for its groundbreaking innovations like gluten-free WiFi and organic virtual reality, announced that their new PVC-free battery is specifically designed to power gadgets without causing harm to animals, plants, or your soul.

'It's essential to consider the feelings of electrons,' said chief innovator and part-time meditator, Leaf Root, while chugging a smoothie that could only be described as the color of empathy. 'For too long, our gadgets have operated on the suffering of non-consensual electron movement. Our new battery harnesses the energy of pure, unbridled good vibes.'

The prototypes, which resemble kale chips more than anything else, have caused quite a stir. Early adopters claim the battery life lasts exactly four hours and twenty minutes – a number Root insists is cosmically significant. 'The balance of the universe is at peace when you honor the sacred timeline of love and charge,' he added, looking serenely into the distance.

Reactions have been mixed. Tech critics have praised the aesthetic, noting that the battery comes packaged in 100% recyclable stardust. However, they've pointed out a slight flaw—its inability to hold a charge long enough to see you through a single TED Talk. Twitter erupted in a debate over whether this innovation is genuinely forward-thinking or if Silicon Valley has finally disappeared up its own metaphorical USB port.

Meanwhile, celebs have been quick to jump on the bandwagon. Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop immediately added the vegan battery to its catalog, labeling it as an 'energy re-harmonizer for the soul and the iPhone.' Sales have predictably skyrocketed among those who believe regular electricity is simply 'too mainstream' and 'lacking a spiritual connection.'

At publishing time, it was reported that EcoElectron's stocks had plunged dramatically due to a technical malfunction in which every vegan battery spontaneously sprouted leaves and began photosynthesizing instead of charging devices.