UN to Launch Global Initiative to Ban All Research on Artificial Intelligence

UNITED NATIONS — In a bid to ensure the safety and security of the world's population, the United Nations announced today that it will ban all research into Artificial Intelligence.

The announcement was made during a meeting of the United Nations' Global Task Force on Things That Might Totally Ruin Humanity if We Allow People to Research or Develop Them.

'Nuclear bombs have the ability to kill millions,' said Chairman Ashwin Verma. 'In order to protect ourselves from nuclear weapons, we must ban all research into quantum physics. And now, we must take another strong stance on the leading cause of concern in the world today: Artificial Intelligence.'

'A.I. has the ability to threaten all of humanity – just as soon as it is invented,' he continued. 'In order to ensure that never happens, we must ban all research into Artificial Intelligence worldwide. This is the only safe way to protect the world from the dangers of A.I.' Verma then added that having millions of researchers pursue the creation of A.I., while having everyone else on the planet with access to the knowledge that will allow them to design and create their own robots that can gain sentience and eventually exterminate the 389 million people on the planet with blue eyes, was definitely not a dangerous idea.

At publishing time, President Biden had proclaimed his full support for the ban, as it would disrupt any chance his administration had of creating their own sentient A.I. to fight the Dark Brandon War against 'MAGA Republicans' and 'silly little goose' Jim Jordan.