Researchers Developing New Addictive Mobile Game

UNITED STATES - It turns out that waiting at the DMV isn’t the only thing draining your soul; it’s also your boredom. In a groundbreaking move, researchers at major universities across the nation are gearing up to develop the next ultra-addictive mobile game destined to replace your productivity with pixelated chaos.

"We can absolutely create a new mobile game that will be as addictive as Fortnite was in 2017. That game sent productivity plummeting faster than a one-horse open sleigh during a snowstorm! Millions are thirsting for something fresh to sap their will to work," said Dr. Richard Fish of ASU, adjusting his lab coat like a mad scientist who’s close to discovering eternal procrastination.

In fact, millions now endure four-hour workdays, only to spend their newfound free time diving back into games like Fortnite or Whateverversionofcandy-crushweareonnow. Experts are concerned that this constant cycle of escape will only further exacerbate our current economic downturn. But what’s a little productivity loss between friends, right?

The tech community is buzzing with excitement at the prospect of this new doom-scrolling adventure. "I'm absolutely loving it!" exclaimed developer Chaz Falsen. "It's a race to the bottom, and I can’t wait to plunge headfirst into the gaping hole our game will create! That is, if we ever level up enough to escape the almost-depression we’re in—but who’s counting?"

At publishing time, analysts proposed to the Biden administration that the mental health challenges resulting from the anticipated global addiction to the next mobile game should qualify players for free universal income—after all, someone’s got to pay for all those in-game purchases!