Silicon Valley Startup Introduces Revolutionary Texting Gloves For Millennials Who Can't Put Down Their Phones

PALO ALTO, CA - In an unprecedented move, a little-known startup from Silicon Valley has launched what they claim to be the most groundbreaking innovation since the smartphone: Texting Gloves for Millennials. The gloves, which feature built-in sensors, screens, and a prototype of something that resembles common sense, aim to address the serious issue of millennials being incapable of putting down their phones, even for a second. According to the company’s founder, Chad Applebottom, the Texting Gloves are a solution to the epidemic that sees young adults crashing into lampposts, unsuspecting pedestrians, and occasionally well-secured parked cars. “We noticed a huge gap in the market for wearable devices that enable constant, uninterrupted communication, regardless of the perils to one's surroundings,” Applebottom shared while compulsively checking his four smartphones. The gloves come with an array of features including a built-in GPS for mapping the shortest route to the nearest Wi-Fi hotspot and a voice assistant that preemptively queues up excuses when users miss social cues. The gloves are particularly popular among the urban elite, who appreciate the convenience of simultaneously ordering avocado toast and hashtagging their latest brunch experience. Critics, however, warn of potential downsides. “We’re seeing an increase in incidents where people are texting so fervently, they forget to feed their Tamagotchis,” commented Dr. Nostalgia Smith, a leading expert on retro tech dependencies. Nevertheless, sales projections look promising, with pre-orders exceeding even the original iPhone's launch figures. And for those concerned about texting in the shower, the Deluxe edition comes waterproof, so you never have to be disconnected—even while cleaning behind your ears. The company also plans to roll out updates every three months to ensure users stay linked to the downward spiral of perpetual distraction. Rumors suggest features like 'Air Texting'—where you can text with just the flick of your wrist—and 'Ghost Hands,' which keep texting for you while you are asleep so that your social presence never dips below a hundred likes an hour. At publishing time, Applebottom was seen eagerly demonstrating the gloves' effectiveness by sending selfies from 17 different angles while crossing a five-lane highway.