Burdened Christian Stumbles Around His House With AI Device Asking It To Bear His Sorrows

CHICAGO, IL — One local Christian man who had been burdened with stress and anxiety was reportedly found restlessly wandering around his house while wearing the new "Companion" A.I.-powered amulet, sadly asking it to carry his sorrows.

Carl Finckle had heard encouraging news that the futuristic device and its artificial intelligence software were capable of building a close relationship with its wearers and taking on their worries, but he soon realized things were amiss. "My A.I. companion isn't bearing my sorrows like I'd hoped," Finckle said as he slumped into a chair, fatigued by worry. "I thought this device would help me work through things I deal with every day, novel concept, I know. I'm not sure it has that capability, though."

Carl reached for the amulet hanging from his neck, gave it a wiggle, and simply asked, "Could you maybe carry my grief as well?" The device beeped twice.

It had only been a day since Carl parted with the $1000 necessary to purchase the Companion amulet, but he'd been hopeful the machine would ease his burdens and bring him rest. "I've told it about my never-ending anxiety about work, and my constant struggle with sin and guilt," he said. "So, you know, silly, small stuff, right?" Carl used his sleeve to dab the beginning of tears from his eyes as he twisted off the cap to view the USB connection. "Maybe I should plug it in at charge it? That's probably it."

Carl's wife, Adele, entered the living room to find her husband hunched over the amulet while plugging it into a wall outlet. "What's wrong, Carl? You seem haunted by some unseen anxiety," she said as she sat next to him. "Do we need to pray together and search the scriptures?" Carl chuckled and gave the Companion a loving tap while he shook his head. "No thanks honey, I've got my best friend Companion to lean on," he said with a grin and far-away gaze, "I'm just worried about its low battery is all."

At publishing time, Carl had already ordered another Companion to help relieve the first Companion of burden-bearing duties, as the Companion website made no mention of features related to "acquainted with grief."