Trump Endorses RFK Jr. For Secretary Of Injecting Everyone With Mountain Dew To Prevent Polio

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning and questionable campaign announcement, former President Donald Trump declared that he will appoint Democrat candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as his pick for Secretary of Health and Human Services, a position that Trump's supporters have eagerly likened to a new cult of personality.

"Yup, Bob's going to be my Secretary of Health, where he’ll inject you all with Mountain Dew to keep polio at bay," Trump stated, grinning widely. "He clearly knows about this sort of thing, so we think he’ll do a terrific job! A terrific job, okay? Come on up here, Bob! Tell the people about your magical Dew shots!"

RFK Jr. walked to the podium amidst a smattering of confused applause. "Ladies and gentlemen, when I'm elected Secretary of Health, I'll introduce massive vaccine mandates that require you to get injected with delicious Mountain Dew! And maybe some nice adrenochrome on the side. We’re still figuring that one out,” he declared, clearly enjoying the absurdity of the moment.

Several media outlets raised eyebrows as RFK Jr. gently reminded the former President that Mountain Dew is, in fact, a soda and not a conventional vaccine ingredient. "Yes, but if it gets warm, a good squirt in the arm will keep polio—and all those measles and mumps—away forever, you know?" he explained earnestly to CNN.

As the bizarre announcement circulated, it became clear that Trump's quest for unconventional health solutions shows no signs of waning. At publishing time, the former President had also persuaded RFK Jr. to assist him in choosing a Secretary of Pizza Vaccines, aimed at ensuring that pizza no longer has the power to make anyone fat.