Man Mistakenly Buys Twitter Stock At All-Time Low

EVERYWHERE — In a shocking turn of events, Richard Buser purchased shares of Twitter at the historically low price of $0, several years after Elon Musk’s chaotic attempt to take the company public.

“Oh... oh no...” gasped Mr. Buser, staring in horror at his screen after securing what financial experts are already dubbing the worst trade in stock market history.

“It seemed like a really good idea in theory,” he lamented. “But in retrospect, buying shares of a private company for free might have been a mistake—who knew?”

At publishing time, Mr. Buser was busily trading his utterly worthless Twitter stock for several hundred equally worthless crypto coins he bought two years ago, which he still insists will ‘totally go to the moon.’