Study Shows Breath Mint Lasting Longer Than Rivian Stock

PALO ALTO, CA — In a shocking new study, scientists have discovered that standard breath mints can linger on the tongue longer than Rivian stock can cling to the market.

"Yes, it turns out that a vast majority of chewy mints outlive a share of Rivian stock by a significant margin," announced Dr. Durp Walsh, Correspondent at the Institute of Things to Internet.

The dental care industry has been under immense pressure to enhance the longevity of their mints to keep breath fresh throughout the day. In stark contrast, electric vehicle manufacturer Rivian has struggled to maintain even a fraction of its previously lofty market value. Researchers found that a whopping 95% of mints provide a longer-lasting freshness than a share of Rivian Holdings, which has become the punchline of many financial jokes.

"I just wanted to freshen my breath, not embark on a mint endurance challenge!" lamented local man Mars Donkton, who accidentally found himself in a mint vs. stock match-up. "Keeping a mint functioning in my mouth as long as Rivian stock lasts wasn't my goal, but here we are..."

At publishing time, scientists were in the process of acquiring breath mints, hoping to use them purely for freshening their mouths, preferably with no researchers around to witness the mint-flavored escapades.