Missourians Passionately Vote For Abortion After Discovering Someone They Don't Like Is Against It

KANSAS CITY, MO — In a stunning turn of events, voters in Missouri have decided to legalize abortion after learning that someone they dislike is firmly against it.

"Trump thinks abortion is bad? Well, it must be good!" exclaimed 20-year-old Isabel Knowlson as she filled out her ballot at North Kansas City High School. "I'm voting yes! And let me tell you, voting is the most important thing you can do—it's the only thing that matters in this world!"

While the majority of Missourians lean pro-life, the opportunity to stick it to conservatives by voting in favor of abortion proved to be too tempting to resist. Isabel elaborated: "Nothing is more important to me than feeling like a good person. Women die every day from not having access to abortion, and anyone who would vote against it is simply evil. I'm a good person, so I voted for women to have the right to choose up until 7 weeks after birth! And just to be clear, I'm voting no on Amendment 5."

As Knowlson exited with her souvenir 'I Voted' sticker—complete with burnt edges and wafting lavender scent—she was met by fellow voter, Anthony Fillipes. "Voting for abortion was a total win/win! Good people took something away from a person in Washington we don't like, and I became a good person in the process!" Fillipes happily patted Isabel on the back, and they both agreed that being a good person is absolutely essential.

At publishing time, Isabel and Anthony took to Facebook to express their pride in the goodness of Missouri, wondering if perhaps even Satan would share their sentiments.