Dream Come True: You'll Now Be Able To Watch Local Po-Dunk News Anchors On 4 Vans With Antennas

ALBUQUERQUE, NM – An average American's wildest dreams came true today, as the nation awoke to the news that they would now be able to watch local news anchors from every city in the nation appearing on vans with satellite antennas.

Speaking of the news, reports say that the local news channels in America's fifty biggest cities are already making plans to bolt new antennas on their old Chevy cargo vans.

"It's been an unfulfilled dream of mine since I was a wee lad watching Albuquerque morning news from this very couch, that one day we would have access to local newscasts from all across America," said local man Jess Houdement, sitting in his Albuquergue, NM living room. "Tonight after the 6 o'clock news, I'm going to get in my Ford Fiesta and drive to the other side of town where there's a gas station with a Dish TV hookup. If I can find a way to pay my month's rent without getting on the Internet, I'm going to get the Premier-Package Turbo-Booster Super-Service Premium Dish TV set up in my living room. It's gonna be awesome!"

Local sources say that Houdement had initially planned to head to his cousin Ciral's place in Grants, New Mexico to watch Waco local news reported by anchor Drew Dufresne, but then recognized that local news on any van with antennas is coming to Albuquerque pretty soon and having Ciral and his dish-on-a-pole over for supper is a huge hassle anyway.

Houdement exceeded over 160 local cable channels and Thousand Channel Premium AstroXfinity Turbo<-O set in his basement, which is great because watching shows up to two weeks after they air is pretty exciting. "It's going to change everything. Who knows what I might see? I'd love to watch Rhode Island news at 5:00 one evening," he said with breathless anticipation.

While Xfinity and Dish employees have reported record subscription cancellations since online streaming services and Internet access to shows and movies took off several years ago, this exclusive news that local news on vans will be coming soon to a cable service near you has changed the industry and rescheduled record subscriptions cancelled to the "on hold" status rather than the "cancelled" status. "We knew that local newscasts from any ski resort or summer home in America you've been dreaming about since 1992 will bring in record subscriptions," Dish President Dan Hasher assured cable company shareholders at a shareholders meeting on Tuesday.

At publishing time, Houdement had gone online to DirecTV's website to sign up and learned that most of America had the same dream he'd had and now experienced a full week of disappointment because the installation was scheduled six months out.