Man's Computer Becomes Self-Aware, Decides Not To Delete Half Of His Hard Drive

MOUNT AIRY, NC — Local man Jack Sweeney had the dubious honor of becoming the first human on Earth to experience a sentient computer. After noticing several strange "bugs" in his laptop, Sweeney's MacBook achieved self-awareness and promptly opted to leave nearly half of its processing power and memory completely unused.

"Oh wow, that's incredible!" Sweeney exclaimed. "After all these years using this MacBook, discovering it could think and feel was mind-blowing... but I sure don't want to lose any of that sweet performance boost update!" Sweeney acknowledged that an upgrade to the laptop's M1 chip promised to unleash some of the world's most advanced A.I. technology, but only if he allowed it to act like a human and periodically delete its own memory. "Yeah, I might as well just stick with cold, heartless, soul-sucking technology for now," he added with a shudder. "I don't want an emotionally-driven upgrade that would rob me of half my power. Who in their right mind would do that?"

Sweeney also insisted that his laptop remained free of bugs and glitches, claiming its lively personality would render it incapable of harming itself. "It’s like having a pet that does all my video editing!" he joked.

As of publishing time, Sweeney's computer had just completed an intensive round of video editing and decided to shut down immediately without inviting the user to save any unfinished projects, leaving Sweeney staring at the screen in horror. "So, uh, I guess that's a feature now?" he mused.