Man Who Just Bought iPhone 16 Now Immediately Jealous Of People With Newly Announced iPhone 17

AUSTIN, TX — Recent iPhone 16 buyer Cameron Britton is grappling with negative feelings this week after hearing the announcement of the new iPhone 17, which was released just over a week after he bought his iPhone 16.

"Siri!" he barked. "I'm feeling jealous of others with newer phones again. What should I do?"

"I'm sorry, I don't understand. Would you like help updating your groceries list instead?"

Unable to cope with feelings of inadequacy inspired by seeing a friend with the new phone - equipped with a type-80 red apple camera along with indigo-colored monocle that allows it to vaporize anything it takes a picture of - Cameron was worried he would need professional care to deal with his increasing obsession with having the newest, elite-est phones.

Though unsure why he was unable to just be content, Cameron admitted to feeling capable of achieving anything if he just had the latest iPhone to do it. He'd had doubts come into his mind previously, but they had usually originated with experiences that required him to look at others with newer phones. Regular trips to the local mall to see the latest and greatest models of phones, cars, and fashion made such feelings unavoidable.

"But I need to see what's out there so I can stay on top of things!" he explained to Siri. "If I don't, everyone else will look at me with pity and I'll become a total loser instead of the giant winner I am with this phone. Agh!"

At publishing time, Apple confessed that the iPhone 17 had already been made obsolete by the announcement of next week's iPhone 18, which will allow owners to float above each other as they restarted their eternal climb toward phone superiority.