JD Vance Staffer Confesses He Was High When He Advised Legislating Cryptocurrencies As A Financial Security

WASHINGTON D.C. — After severe backlash that many political analysts have described as "totally justified," one of Ohio Senator JD Vance's key policy advisors confessed on Reddit that he was high when he advised legislating cryptocurrencies as a financial security.

"My B," commented policy advisor Aaron Kofsky on a popular legal advice subreddit. "I was quite high at the time. In my inebriated state, I assumed capitalism would be banned by tomorrow and everyone would just live in super-cool, glass-panel-lined pods we designed with our Apple Watches. #USDzí"

According to sources close to Kofsky, the staffer may have also been under the influence of various substances, ranging from crack to speedy crank rocks, molly, smack, space dust, and even California meth butter. Investigators are also looking into the possibility of PCP, judging by the damage to a nearby restroom that somehow ended up resembling a modern art installation.

"With an excellent candidate like JD Vance, we absolutely need the utmost clarity possible," said voter Cheryl Smiston in a comment on the r/legaladvice subreddit. "Now we know declaring crypto a security might not be the best idea, and we’ll upvote the top comment to make sure he understands this before he makes any more ‘innovative’ decisions."

At publishing time, JD Vance had personally reassured citizens that while he could not control the obvious drug use of his campaign staff, he was confident he would still emerge from the November race unscathed, thanks to his seemingly endless supply of family photos featuring adorable, tiny kids.