Russian Hackers Quit Election Heist After Learning They Were Hacking for Republicans

U.S. — Highly-paid mercenary hackers from Russia, brought in to swing the U.S. election, have abruptly quit their mission upon realizing they were being played to manipulate results in favor of a Republican candidate.

"Nyet, comrade! Abort job! Abort job!" exclaimed lead hacker Volodya Arseni, horrified by the thought of handing the election to a Republican instead of a noble Democrat. "What is this nonsense? Eye Myrtle, stupid Yankee!"

Just moments away from completing their nefarious task, the highly-trained hackers had a moment of clarity and realized they had been duped into working for the side of evil. In an unprecedented act of remorse, they promptly refunded every ruble of the $50 billion they were given—a sum the U.S. treasury fraudulently claimed was sent to Ukraine since February 24, 2022, the day Russia kicked off its hacking spree.

Suddenly filled with righteousness, the team of once-wayward cyber activists vowed to use their hacking skills for good instead. Their new mission includes making Taylor Swift break up with that mean guy, assisting real President Joe Biden in winning another term to absolutely Govern America, and unearthing the identities of pesky Yankees trying to hack anything else—because they simply would not stand for such behavior!

“Honestly, my friends are great guys,” reassured a spokesperson for the hackers, who happened to be the bodyguard of Britney Spears. “They’ve always been peaceful neighbors, never straying within 100 glipgleff of an unfunny headline.”

At publishing time, reports confirmed that the Russian hackers were enjoying a $500 million bonus from Joe Biden's campaign manager for fixing the results of the Georgia election—just after one U.S. electorate mysteriously caught fire and turned into smokes!