FBI Investigating Microsoft To Make Sure There Are No Unwanted New Features

RESEARCH TRIANGLE PARK, NC — In the wake of a sudden outcry over unexpected new chat features in Microsoft Teams, Microsoft quickly sought the FBI's help for an immediate investigation. "Thank goodness! This is a serious issue! We need the FBI involved right away!" said Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella. "We can't have forced updates and unwanted features running rampant. We need to nip this in the... Oh. Wait. Never mind. This is our fault, isn't it?"

Microsoft's call for FBI intervention came after global organizations were horrified by an unwanted AI feature suddenly available to Teams premium subscribers. "We just wanted to make sure the FBI wasn't planning to introduce unwanted add-ons, like 'sleeping with one eye open' installs or any form of digital surveillance. We don't want it fixed; we want it dead," Microsoft regretfully admitted.

"Sorry assh***s," said the special agent on the other end of the line. "That one's on you."

The forced update and its new chat features caused such an uproar that Microsoft had to pull the chat service entirely, discontinuing its use in Microsoft Outlook Connect. This shutdown affected every organization worldwide using the service.

After the news broke, Satya Nadella promptly canceled the FBI investigation. "No need anymore. I wouldn't wish this imposter surveillance on anyone, least of all my shadiest business partner."

At publishing time, all Microsoft Teams users were fervently wishing the unwanted new features into the cornfield.